Polite Grafitti
by G.E. Simons
Professor Unwin Loomis was arrested at 11.01pm on Tuesday 15th January
2013.
He was entirely guilty of what he had done and wanted that to be
acknowledged and understood by the arresting officer.
He immediately asked that eleven similar offences also be taken into
consideration, all having been committed on the first Tuesday of the previous
eleven months.
Unwin Loomis is a professor of political science at a central London university.
He has also published books on social engineering, the death of the British
high street and more recently, fly-fishing. He is 58 years old.
Many of his former students who consider him a continuing mentor and now
hold positions in lobbying and research, still correspond with him by email and occasionally by telephone.
One in particular, Susannah Bach who manages a think tank, actually meets
with Unwin Loomis in person on the first Tuesday of each month.
They eat at the same Indian restaurant on the Edgware Road where they discuss topics ranging from literature and cinema to family and spiritual progress.
They never discuss politics but always share a bottle of Concho y Toro Merlot, over a Nimbu Chana Masala. Then they return to their respective homes in the boroughs of Bexley and Ealing.
Susannah lives in Bexley with her husband Ed, who works as a Senior Digital
Account Director for a marketing agency and their son Alex, who at eleven
years old has already mastered the rudiments of the violin.
As they share a pot of green tea at the end of each of their monthly meals,
Unwin asks Narahari, who manages the restaurant, to call Susannah a taxi. And every month Unwin then escorts Susannah out to the various Ford,
Vauxhall and Nissan cars that arrive, before safely seeing her into the back of
them.
Unwin always tells her that he likes to grab a breath of air before he easily
then finds a taxi of his own.
But Professor Unwin Loomis hasn't only been breathing in the teeming
London air before he flags down his ride home, before finding a car, he has been applying statements of polite graffiti to cars and homes with aerosol cans of gold paint.
On the first occasion he had sprayed the words ‘This is a beautiful car.' onto
the bonnet of a black C-Class Mercedes sports saloon.
Tonight on the twelfth occasion, when caught in the act by a passing police
patrol, he had been in the process of spraying the words ‘I like your topiary.'
onto the bright red front door of a wisteria-clad townhouse.
He had done it, he explained to the arresting officer, because he wanted to
compliment people who were clearly doing well in life. When asked if he would like legal representation during questioning, he said
that he wouldn't.
Though he did ask if it would be possible to telephone his wife who always
waited up, to make sure he got home to Ealing safely on the first Tuesday of
every month.
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Author's Note
“People say graffiti is ugly, irresponsible and childish... but that's only if it's done properly.”
Other stories by G.E. Simons
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Let me be the first to tell you that this is really really good. *
And allow me, if you please, to be the second! *
A wonderful story and a wonderful telling of it. *
"He had done it, he explained to the arresting office, because he wanted to
compliment people who were clearly doing well in life"
'Complimenting' them...
...by marring their property?
Could he not have slipped a note under the windshield wiper or under the door...
Complimentary or derogatory, it's still destruction of property, innit...
???
(and I think you mean arresting *officer*)
Scrubby... that's the thing, when does graffiti evolve from urban crime into million dollar glitterati art opportunities. When does tagging a train carriage change from carrying a penalty to having acrylic bonded on top of it by local councils to preserve it?
You're damn right that I meant officer though!
"when does graffiti evolve from urban crime into million dollar glitterati art"
Exactly. When it becomes *art* .When it strives for something greater than itself or the artist's personal opinion.
You could hardly call scrawling "I like your shit" on someone's personal property, art, now could you? That's just cheap vandalism imo.
I've seen some spectacular graffiti *art*.
Interesting discussion, though.
Reminds me of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXptPGawoog
Scrubby... it's broader than that even. Graffiti is one thing but writing a compliment on something that is just a thing like a car matters why?
This story tries to discuss both graffiti and its place in culture depending on who the artist is. And why a purchased commodity like a car, that the purchaser wants all to admire becomes a problem when someone might openly admire it... in gold spray paint!
"writing a compliment on something that is just a thing like a car matters why?"
Perhaps because it costs the owner a helluva lotta time, hassle, and money to fix it?
Whether you paint a compliment or expletive on someone's personal property, it becomes *their* problem to fix.
This discussion is good - on a painted surface of a vehicle why would some additional paint be bad?
And who doesn't buy a Mercedes without a sliver of thinking that 'people are going to admire this car' and so if it is openly admired in gold letters is that not backing up the hope of admiration, or do we only seek admiration from afar and as long as it doesn't impinge on our pristine surfaces...
Theses are the themes of Polite Graffiti and am delighted to debate them with you...
There is a real passive-aggressive bent to the spray-painted compliment on the Mercedes, though. On one hand it's saying "Good job" while on the other hand, it's saying, "I'll f*** it up for you now."
Yes, interesting discussion. But on that, I've got to go to work now!
..to make some money to pay for that Mercedes in the driveway...
:)
Ha! Yes, and don't get me wrong if someone spray painted 'good job' on the bonnet of my car I'd be furious!
Good chat!!
Really enjoyed this.
Thoughtful, thought-provoking, and well-executed.*
Only a secure professor would decided that his comments were graffiti.Graffiti is underclass urban political rant and gang tags. Good story though.
There's been loads of stuff written about graffiti. I've written loads of stuff about graffiti myself. But I didn't think this piece was about graffiti at all. This is basically a satire on any shit mundane newspaper piece you'd come across randomly on a cold wet morning sitting in the bus and it had my finger scrolling right to the bottom. So thumbs up from me.
Daniel, thanks a lot for reading and commenting... is it though. Graffiti is a word with origins to referencing the inscriptions scratched into the walls of ancient Pompeii and the Catacoms of Rome... it's about expression now as it was then... but the story is more about modern displays of success but the distance at which they must be seen and admired... amongst other things... it is also based on a tue story in England!
Eamon... that's pretty much it... The display of success but the horror when there is direct acknowledgement of it even from the qualified...
"He was entirely guilty of what he had done and wanted that to be acknowledged. . ."
I love the structure of this: the short paragraphs and precise, terse tone.*