That summer my mother moved to Maine and my father stayed put in the old house in Savannah. Anna Freud had just died and the Brits had invaded the Falkland Islands; the world was losing romance and I was a kid, displaced and truant in time. Maine was a respite for my mother, was about as far North as she could go. She had always hated the South and wilted much of the time down there, heat hovering about her like a jealous boyfriend. Later, when I grew up to be a poet, I wrote the line: "One grows old in the wrong climate." Surely, a reflection of those days.
She was a painter at the time; a stint in the arts she liked to say. But her bread and butter was cooking for a local, wealthy family. She didn't want any money from my father so four days a week she cooked for the family and painted on the others. Without my father, my mother seemed like a young girl again, skipping around the property and I was always running after her, mother can I, mother can you?
One of the sons of the family, a college boy, home for the summer from Princeton, hung around the house and she often painted him in her studio in the barn. He was a willowy sort of fellow, like an oak sapling with long tapered fingers and a bright open face. My mother would say he was "good stock". He's like a fine broth, she'd say, and with a good broth, you can always make a damn good soup."
We would chat at breakfast, I would eat ham and he, well, he'd smoke cigarettes and nibble on biscuits and sip from a solid mug of beer. I remember the thick, blue smoke hanging in the ceiling eaves and my mother would cook and he would recite poetry—too loudly, as my mother put the plate in front of him.
"The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold..."
Years do run like rabbits, don't they? my mother would interrupt, then sigh and look out the window and from then on I always thought of time as rabbits running down a steep hill, panting and sure. And one day as I was meandering around I passed the barn where she painted and saw him in there, naked, his long limbs loose and still. His face was turned up towards the rafters, the wide, white expanse of his throat was only visible and he held a whisk, straight out before him as if presenting it to the viewer. It was comical really, the whole thing and my mother whipped her brush about, pounding at the canvas and he laughed. The whisk moved slightly and there was his penis, lying against his thigh like a grub on a summer lawn, achingly still in the dead morning heat.
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This story is for the Significant Objects Group. The premise was to write about a whisk.
I had written an earlier piece for the project as well, "Painted Lady Figure" which was auctioned off for charity. So, I thought another go would be fun!
The whisk can be seen here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/significantobjects/4303709696/in/set-72157623155978709/
Well, you certainly got that whisk in there!
Nice.
Thanks, Susan! And it's a darn ugly whisk at that...
Love it and wow, did it ever go in an unexpected direction. I feel like you have more material here that's just waiting to be explored. I don't know about ending on her napping the day away though. I'd stop right here, on this great image: lying against his thigh like a grub on a summer lawn."
Nice work.
Thanks so much, Kathy. 500 words is always tough but good discipline if I can manage it...Yes, this may need some more reworking. Last line, hmm you might be right, not sure?
I very much enjoyed this, thank you. So much to admire: wonderful flow, details and images.
I'm with Kathy, not only to end on that great image, but also because her sleeping "the long, afternoon away" didn't really quite true for me?
I would imagine this very observant, deep-thinking narrator might be intrigued by the sight/scene, even confused and disturbed by it and would thereafter try to process it?
Excellent work, congratulations.
sorry, that was "didn't ring quite true for me ..."
Thank you, Ethel! Where were you guys when I was writing this?! I always need a good editor! Think I will change it...
I *liked* the last sentence!
To me it implies an overwhelming of the character, resulting in a child-like need to sleep, store away, forget for the moment.. In other words (hopefully better), to process the event through the act of dreaming.
hmm, what to do. I think I'll try out a new line but that's sort of what I had in mind when I wrote it (well, subconsciously, I suppose), Matt. Thanks!
Shelagh! You already can guess my suggestion from having worked with me: Maybe get to the payoff faster. But I do think the payoff is quite good, and certainly unexpected. I'm always a sucker for anything that mentions Savannah, ha! Great to see you here...
Yes, Rob, brevity should be thy name. I try and try and somehow always just meander towards the point.
Big fan of the South, I am, grew up partially in VA (not too south I suppose according to some)
Oh and thank you, Rob! I appreciate your comments!
Shelagh, this is a fine piece, again. There's a certain accuracy about it that makes this work.
Thanks, Ajay. Always appreciate your comments!
Very nice writing. You follow the cardinal rule of Micro writing: Every word does a job. I agree with Kathy about the ending. The barn setting is vivid; to end with ". . . like a grub on a summer lawn.", should snap the reader's head back with a "Whoa!" and invite a reread. That's what happened to me.
Thanks so much, Ramon! I did actually change the last line. Before it was something like, "she ran home and slept the afternoon away", I don't exactly remember but I added the "achingly still" bit afterwards. I think it works better...? Anyway who knows. But thanks!
Just read this: unbelievably good, every moment alive.
Thank you, David!